You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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