the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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