at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
