I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
