Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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