I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
