If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
