Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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