I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
She even gives head with a lisp.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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