I am midnight drunk by noon
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
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Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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