i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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