Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
