You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
