Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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