Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
