I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
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You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
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I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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