ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Randomize
