I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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