ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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