Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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