I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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