why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
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