non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
