Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
