Too much gin, very little bucket
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
