Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
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I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
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When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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