Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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