I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
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