Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
