My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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