how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
