Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
