john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
