today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
