then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
