I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
