Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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