Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
