all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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