Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Moan for me like Helen Keller
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
