so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
