I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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