kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
