I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
