What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
