What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
