I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
