I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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