Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
