atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You are the jesus of drinking
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
