Old men and throwing up are my life now.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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