My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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