Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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