He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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