I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
