i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
