Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
