Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
These 23 Groupies Had The Most Insane Sexual Experiences With Celebs
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
35 Of The Funniest Things People Said While Banging
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months