Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I just got carded by a ten year old.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea