I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You made out with two different species that night
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Randomize
