How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I am naked and annoyed.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
