I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
dude. I can hear the air.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
