Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
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She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
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I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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